i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
