I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
