Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
