I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
