i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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