Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
