There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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