I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
