I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
