i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
