why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
