So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
