i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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