I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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