I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
