I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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