i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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