Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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