I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
