dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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