i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
