we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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