Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
