....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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