jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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