true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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