I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
third nipple confirmed
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
