i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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