Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
