well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
In America we eat man semen.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
