This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found your dick twin last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
