How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
