Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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