Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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