things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
