i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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