just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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