Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I want a musical about memes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
