I hate your face
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
