What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
