I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
