dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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