Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
