Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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