I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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