Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
