i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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