i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
