I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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