the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
