walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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