She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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