Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
