I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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