drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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