his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
