Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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