I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
