he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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