you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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