I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
